Bizzyrne the Trizz

Advice

2006-05-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

Just a word of advice:

Never ask a friend to shave your back, even if you're gay because, like, that's just a little too gay.

That is all.

James

Been Too Long Post

2006-03-14T22:29:00.000-08:00

Whoa, its been way too long since I've put something on here. Some things have changed since my last post. Like that book I was talkin' about? Not happenin'. I just cant think of 10 things that I would want to make my girlfriend do.....actually, I'm just WAY too focused on doin' two chicks at once and its really putting a literary block on any other potential ideas I have to put on that list. And since I really have no frickin' clue how to make my girlfriend like chicks, that means I really don’t have a book.

The NEWEST idea I have is to write a book called "From Frat to Fat.” I can totally knock this motha out. I know SO much about this, I could probably write two books about it. On top of that, its SO FREAKIN' General, I could write about your mom and I could some how tie it into the book....and I will, she'll have a special chapter.

I went to the florida Keys, holy shit that was awesome. I'll give you the basic run down: Hanging out with guys 5 years younger than me, drinking beer, relaxin' in the sun in a 2 million dollar mansion for the week. It was awesome. I have to say the hi-lite of the trip was going to South beach. As soon as I walked on the beach I thought I had bombed a gaza strip market and these were my 70 spankin' hot vigins to bone for eternity.....but turns out they were just a bunch of topless south beach models thongin' it up. I gotta say tho, if this is what the bombers get, sign me up.

When ever I golf, this is going to be my happy place on those tough putts.

You may be jealous, but just so you dont get too envious, I'll even it out and mention that I saw way too many guys in Assless Pants down in Key West. Lets leave it at that. GUYS IN ASSLESS PANTS overload. Oh and I’m pretty sure they were gay too.

And in closing I just have to brag a bit about how clever my other cat is. The non-ball grabbing one. I've always thought that she was borderline retarded and I have good reason to think that, but that’s another story. So today I come home and instead of the usual run away thing she does, she's this effectionate ball of love and is rubbin' up on my legs and shoes. I was totally blown away! The cat had never shown affection like that and for some unknown reason, things had changed. She keeps it up most of the night and I finally decide to pick her up and discover what was really going on. The affection was really an effort to ass me as many times as she possibly could before I figgered out she had shit all over herself. Frickin' brilliant Cat. Gotta hand it to her. If I was a cat and had shit all over myself, I would totally do the same thing to my owner. In fact, she did a frickin' great job of shitting all over her self too. She really got it in there and in these out of reach places...well I guess out of reach speakin in human anus terms, but I guess these cats must have these anuses that can aim or something….vector propulsion anuses……I cant figure it out, I’ll just have to contact my vet and get a brochure or something. But anyways, she got me good and deserves a little bit more of my respect. She totally got me.

10 things you wish your Girl would do and how to make them do it

2006-01-06T22:30:00.000-08:00

To some how justify my existance and bring meaning into my life I have decided that I will be TRYING or ATTEMPTING to write a book. The title of this post pretty much sums up what the book will be about........wow, that was really fun, but now I am bored with that idea.....I have recently decided that my main goal in life is breed my dog and cat, creating...Cog. Yes Cog. Cog will be your lazy best friend who ignores you.....and who, judging from my previous experiences, will sometimes try to grab your balls when brushing your teeth too hard. Yes, I do set my goals high and almost unattainable, but I feel with hard work and alot of doobie brownies and alcohol......ha, just kiddin, back to the book idea.

So, naturally the book is going to have 10 chapters, but im not sure what each chapter will be about. I know that the 9th and 10th chapters will be combined and the first page will read:

Chapter 9 & 10

10 things you wish your girl would do and how to make them do it:

You and another hot chick.

I was half tempted to say " Screw the other eight!" and just call this book How to Nail 'em Two Atta Time, but.....damn, thats a great idea. In hind site, I should have called this book How to Nail 'em Two Atta Time, but not realising this until I had written the previous 8 chapters, I'll stick with the original name. This will just be the most important part of the book. Book mark it guys.

Ok, I just threw that together, but that'll be pretty much how that part reads. And really, if I knew how to nail'em two at a time, I would have written more, but I really have to do more research on that one. Anyways, now I need to start brain storming on 8 things guys wished their girls would do and how to make them do it......any ideas? Here, I'll put them down.

- Make dinner

- Magically disappear and reappear when you snap your fingers

- Stop Talking (with out black eyes!)

- Enjoy your hobbies

- Increase their breast size

- Stop with the list of chores

- Buy you things

- Kill for you! (yeah Bill)

Ok, thats just a start. Im sure with the help of others, I will come down with a good list to focus my efforts on. A'ight, thats all I got. Freak on people!

Been a while (repost)

2006-01-06T22:24:00.000-08:00

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Yeah its been a while. My excuses:

a. its too damn nice out to be writing blogs
b. ....
c. ....

You dont need much more reason than that. FYI my cat is licking his own ass as I write this....I really haven't been busy with anything tho.....but anyway, lets add to this collection of shit and naked chicks we call the internet.....and today I will be adding shit. Sorry, no naked chicks.The only thing in my life that has been eventful and worthy of your attention are the bad things that have convieniently found there way to me... And if you're from the back roads of Kentucky like someone I used to know, you'd know bad things come in threes.Bad thing number one: Some one bashed my car window in and stole some CDs and my cell phone.Bad thing number two: While cleaning up all the glass in my car today, I decided to remove the seats and set them in the grass. In the process of setting a seat down, I leaned my hand into a pile of dog shit.....I said, "Fucking Shit!" and then had to laugh even tho I didn't want to....I hate that.Bad thing number three hasn't happened yet, but I know its out there. So i'll be on the look out.....and rumor has it that the third is usually the worst.........at least my penis cant get any smaller.....ha you thought I would get thru a post with out saying penis.....

Todays excitement

2005-06-22T19:09:00.000-07:00

Have you ever hurt yourself and the act of hurting yourself was so retarded that you didn't want to tell anyone? I had one of those experiences today....although Im gonna tell you about it....

So today I was planning on playing soccer with a bunch of interns. Im sorta lookin fwd to it....I really dont play soccer.....BUT an intern invited me to play the other day and I felt obliged to go..........very similar to me feeling obliged to look up obliged and make sure Im spelling it right.....ok, o-b-l-i-g-e-d....fuck yeah....anyway, I felt OBLIGED to go, so I was planning on attending. Im not really sure if you know what I do, but Im a structural design engineer (the act of employing me as such may be an act of terrorism...we'll see what happens) and I spend all day in front of a screen designing/drawing up repairs for damaged 747s. So today I was doin' my thing, clickin' the mouse, looking at the screen, shifting in my seat a little bit to the beat of my IPOD......then outta no where comes this pain from my groin. I pulled a fucking groin! Drafting! I have to be the biggest pussy in the world.......

You know this reminds me of the time I hurt my neck while answering a phone at work (dont ask my how, its another one of those wtf moments). I decided to go to the Boeing nurse and see if they could hook me up with a pain killer and before I knew it, I was set up with massage sessions and physical therapy sessions 3 days a week.......I know what it feels like to be a starting pitcher on the mariners now I guess.

2005-06-05T23:46:00.000-07:00

Just thought you folks would like to see Mountain Dew's OTHER ad campaign....I guess the target audience here are gay mountain bikers with handle bar mustaches and tight shorts. REALLY extreme ultimate power....this was found in Canada, by the way. "Ooohhhh" you say.

Why is the penis so funny?

2005-05-25T20:38:00.000-07:00

I was wondering today, thinking of my past posts, why is the penis so funny?....

No one EVER says, "HA! That looks like an knee!" or uses inanimate objects, like pancake mix, to make the shape of a fore arm. I doubt anyone would really care if you were eating pancakes in the shape of a forearm....BUT, when someone mentions "penis," even when they're being serious, there will probably be at LEAST one person holding back a snicker.

Could it be possible that the wang is the source of all humor? You know, I've heard so much about this funny bone, but I've NEVER gotten a serious answer as to where it is...makes me think no one has told me where it is because everyone is too ambarassed to say, "Yeah....um, medically speaking, the funny bone is the wang...."

Actually, that would be hilarious if someone said that, which sort of proves my point....that humor is directly related to the penis....although whipping out your member at a party still isn't funny......

I guess the most meaningful and useful bit of wisdom we can take out of this train of thought is some insite as to why so many hot women women say "I want a man who has a good sense of humor" but the for the most part, date assholes who aren't even remotely close to being funny, BUT I bet they have big dicks.....

Thats all I got.

J

Discovery!

2005-05-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

So today I was thinkin' about REALLY fat chicks in way too tight pants. Dont aks me why. Penis. Anyway, I have an answer to a question Im sure all of us have asked ourselves,

"Why do REALLY fat chicks wear pants so tight, that they have rolls hangin' out all over the place? Its wrong James."

Well, I dont know if you've noticed, but girl pants are always low riding hip huggers nowdays. HIP huggers! Don't you see it!?!?! A hip is a bone! For all you engineers out there, these HIP huggers are an interference fit! They NEED those hip bones to keep things up! Those pants have to battle through 10 inches of gut 'n rolls and they damn well be 3 sizes two small if they're going to make it! Its like D-day for Levis and this battle is going on around you ever day. If it wasn't for those fat chicks wearing REALLY tight pants that showed off those rolls, we'd have a lot more bare ass in our lives......

THANK YOU really, really over weight fats chicks......

---Real American Heros!---

THANK YOU for wearing tight pants.....

---Tight waste banded fat chicks!---

THANK YOU for preventing out breaks of crack, small chances of physical injury, and forest fires.......

James

Scary shit man

2005-05-05T00:14:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are sensitive, I have to warn you that this blog contains segments of material that contain penis touching. No, I am not writing this as a touch my penis....although it just so happens that I am not wearing any pants, but thats just how I get my blog on....In all seriousness tho, all penis touching in this blog is handled in a mature and serious manner and is intended to.....well, Im not really sure what the intent is....I would say to show you something, but that sounds nasty....fuck it...Read on.

Blog time

I've decided that I am getting back in shape, but not by touching my penis like you're thinkin'. Im talkin' about gettin' rid of some belly fat and adding on a couple of pounds......of muscle, not penis. Seriously, you'll see where the penis comes in (ha ha ha I cant believe I said that), so forget that I mentioned penis (whats the penis word count now?). So back to serious business.....clear the mind...vagina....ahhhh

Oh, just so you know, I've said penis 9 times now.

Ok, so working out. Yeah, thats right I am talking about 4 days a week, hard core, bust my balls work out action....seriously, thats not funny, stop thinking about penis......You might wonder why Im all-of-a-sudden gettin' into the weight room. Trust me, I have my reasons and the most important one is...lets see....I guess the issue at hand here is my penis is not big enough for me to gain a bunch of weight. Yeah you heard me. If you're on board with the dinky wang club and I may be the only one, stand up and take a look down there. How many inches of waistline can you spare to gain before you never see your penis again? Pretty fuckin' scary. If I dont do something soon, I'll be communicating with my penis through my girlfriend...

"Tell him I miss him!"

So anyway, discovering this while brushing my teeth this morning was quite the shocker and before it happens to you, I thought I would give you all a word of warning before its too late. Go to the gym!

Thats all I got.

Marriage Pressure

2005-03-31T21:32:00.000-08:00

Man, marriage pressure. Some of you guys may know what Im talkin' about, but some of you might not. I've been with my girl Leah for a year and 5 months now and a couple of times she has hinted at marriage. She's tricky tho. She'll catch you off guard with her subtle little hints...

Tonight we were watching American Wedding and in one of the scenes the character who stuck his dick in a pie in American Pie was talking with his future wife. The future wife asks the pie porker "How did you know I was the one?" He answers and as soon as that scene is over, Leah turns to me to ask:

"Am I the one?"

Oh I dont know Neo, you might be.....How do you respond to that? I stumbled around that and finally got out "Sure, you might be the one....you're the right type for being the one......" and that answer got me a silent "dont touch me" treatment. Fucking great.

What the fuck?!?! Pisses me off. Yes, she may be the one, but who wants loaded questions like that when considering a mate for life long partnership. As of right now, Im 25 years and 16 days old. With the way the average life span is increasing, I probably have another 75 years to go. I was planning on getting married around 30-33 and having kids around 35-37 and that leaves me 63 years left to spend with my wife and kids. When considering a 63 year long commitment, I think it would be wise to spend at least a couple of years evaluating the partner before fully committing yourself. Makes sense to me.

...anyway, Im just venting

Grad School/Over time

2005-03-21T22:35:00.000-08:00

Alright, I learned something over the past 2 months. Overtime at work and gradschool dont mix. They're like oil and water, cats and dogs, or penises and penises.....depending on what kind of party you're at.....there aint many penises mixing at parties IM at, thats for sure.....so anyway, we'll assume the analigy....whoa whoa whoa....I just talked about penises and then "ASSuming the ANALgy"....what the hell am I talking about? OH yeah! Im talking about totally being fucked in the ass by this overtime and gradschool!.... Man, if anyone needs to know why I haven't been blogging/sleeping, its cuz of this grad school and over time shit. I did manage to get out for St. Pattys tho. That was pretty fun. Me, my girlfriend, her sister, her hot friend and this GUY (cock blocker, I was totally gonna have foursome...roight) went to this English Bar....Yes, I said an English bar...er Pub. Yeah fuck off, an English bar was as fuckin' close to Ireland we could get without waiting in the cold for 3 hours. I know its like going to a Chinese restraunt for Christmas. (Fah rah rah rah....sorry chinese people) I sort of felt ashamed, but after a couple of drinks it was coo'. Anyway tho, we go to this place called "The Whiskey Bar" (you know the Doors - Alabama Song) and it was pretty sweet. Funny thing tho, turns out that the owners wife is a hard core lesbian and likes red heads.....so we drank for free all night. I am DEFINITLY going back there. Not really for the 30 year old lesbian bar owners wife, but they have an awesome collection of whiskey. I tried 5 kinds on st. patties day and then I switched to good Ol' Guiness! Yes Ma'am. Anyways, I gotta get to bed! Shit Im gonna be tired. Laters y'all.

Jeezus Im back....

2005-02-22T22:34:00.000-08:00

Man, its been like.....2 MONTHS since I last did this whole blog thing man....damn. Well Baldauff has inspired me. First thing on my to do list is to update everyone on my nuts. They're fine people. My cat learned a good lesson the first time he clawed my nutz and then had a hair brush thrown at him....yes, I also fight like a hair brush throwing girl. Fuck. Anyways, so thats cleared up. The second thing I need to clarify is that their is absolutely no cannibalism in Boeing. I when I say that there is absolutely no cannibalism in Boeing, I mean that there is a certain amount......ok, yeah that was random, but my girlfriend is calling me and sez I should go to bed.....Ok, I'll update you later....on what I've been doing in the my life you sick ass

James

The Monthly Update

2004-11-30T21:06:00.000-08:00

Hey whats crackin' y'alls. I got a cat! Man is he cute. He did the cutest thing today too! This morning I was getting out the shower and the cat happens to be waiting for me! How cute! Little cute cat! So I continue along with my daily routine, get out of the shower, (hee hee hee the cat is so cute!) dry off, put on deodorant, brush my teeth and I guess in the middle of my tooth brushing vigor I happened to be shaking a little bit which caused the cat to go for my wang like a cat nip soaked bag of crack....HOLY Fucking SHIT! I hate my cat and there for I threw Leah's hair brush at him.....on the other side I guess I learned today that my penis is an attention grabber......why am I telling you this?

Yeeeeaaaa......moving on

Man, you know how digital cameras are all great and everything? Well the other day I decided to completely delete everything on my lap top. Im talkin' bout everything. I wanted a clean slate. Yeah so I "burn" everything important, like digital pictures, to a CD, wipe the slate clean, and install everything new. When I bust in my "important things" CD, ITS FRICKIN' BLANK!!! MAN! HORSESHIT! So I lost all my pictures except the ones I have posted here on the net....yeah so needless to say if I sent you any pictures of my girlfriend naked, could you send a copy over back to me? Ha ha ha...no,seriously.....

Thats My monthly update! Lemme know whats goin' on with alls yous!

Im back!!!

2004-10-28T18:19:00.000-07:00

Hey whats crackin' y'alls!?! Im finally backonline again. I've been offline cuz I've been settling into my new place with the lady. We now live in Lynnwood. If you wanna come getta beer, gimme a call mang. Yeah so whats happenin' with me? I got a pretty cool job. 3 times a week I take a 2 hour lunch and play ulitmate frisbee. I feel like i've gone back to elementary school and I have recess again. Its frickin' awesome!!! Hells yahs. Living with Leah is good. We're still having our living habit tendencies. SHe's very messy....Im fairly neet.....so yeah we fight a little bit. But we work it out. So anways, you want to hear something profound you say? Well......age aint nothin but a number.....yeah, that explains why I act like a 2 year old sometimes.

James

2004-09-30T10:46:00.000-07:00

I just saw the documentary "Super Size Me!" by Morgan Spurlock tonight. See it. I HIGHLY recommend it. I really dont eat any fast food, but ever since I started dating Leah, my amounts have increased. Leah eats fast food at least once, if not twice a day. Its insane. My goal is to get her to stop eating fast food. I on the other hand lead a completely healthy diet. My only weakness is an occasional bottled product. See, look at my fridge: no fast food in sight and there's some broccoli in there somewhere. See if it wasn't for my liver failing at 40, I would live well into my 110s because of my non fast food diet rich in fruits (apple cider, lemons, limes) and vegetables (barley, hops and whatever crazy low carb plant that Micholob Ultra uses).

2004-09-29T02:03:00.000-07:00

Me and big Karl

2004-09-29T02:02:00.000-07:00

Me and the ol' lady enjoying a drink at the expense of Karl. I saw that bar tab Karl. Holy crap

2004-09-29T02:00:00.000-07:00

Hey its me and my buddy dac

2004-09-29T01:59:00.000-07:00

The awkward silence after Micah mentioned that he brought along his Chin dong.

2004-09-29T01:58:00.000-07:00

Nice picture of the Odles.

2004-09-29T01:57:00.001-07:00

This is Karl and Deanna the night before the wedding. I can see the fear in their eyes.

2004-09-29T01:57:00.000-07:00

This is 3/4 of the junior year PC crew. Krazy Karl, Krazy Kleve, and sensible/voice of reason James.

2004-09-29T01:54:00.000-07:00

This is Kleve explaining to Karl the whole not being able to hit on other girls once you're married thing. No big deal. Karl is new to this. He'll catch on.

2004-09-29T01:53:00.000-07:00

I think Kleve is cryin' here because I think he's realizing that his chances to room with Karl again are slim to none. Who will Kleve break doors with?

2004-09-29T01:50:00.000-07:00

Micah made it to the wedding too....man, I cant remember the name of his girlfriend tho....but it was cool to see both of them

2004-09-29T01:49:00.000-07:00

This is definitly the starting point where you can see Kaup is going to have a fun night. At this point his pants are still on, but you can tell he's warming up.

2004-09-29T01:48:00.000-07:00

Group photo from the wedding....

2004-09-29T01:45:00.000-07:00

So Karl and Deanna have gotten married and they went to Jamaica right before hurricane Ivan got there for their honey moon. They're one of these extreme sport couples and Im sure they'll go shark tank diving or bungee jumping for their 1st year anniversery. That wedding was great tho. Thanks for inviting me Hofmanns if yer reading this.

2004-09-29T01:43:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so weaver has this habit of attracting crazy guys when someone is trying to take a nice picture of him. Last time it was this weird asian guy in Panama City and now this time its Batta.

2004-09-29T01:35:00.000-07:00

Let me make this clear. From day one when I met Kaup at the Pike house in 1998, he has been one of the coolest and most funnest guys I've known. Also, judging from the pictures, he is also a fun person to drink with. I think Kyle smith would agree. Right Kyle?

2004-09-29T01:28:00.000-07:00

James: "Kaup, you have 30 seconds to record a message. Talk about corn holing."

Kaup: "Oh, that's awesome!" -long pause-

James: "No Kaup, your voice is being recorded right now"

Kaup: "Oh, Im talking about corn holing right now?"

James "Yeah, see (I point to my camera) 20 seconds left to record"

Kaup: - pointing to the sky - "I sting like a butterfly, I sting like a bee. I am the best corn holer the world will ever see! Uh....Im a south Paw, even tho I come from the North. I will come here and show you my worth..."

James: "Nice. Rock on Kaup"

2004-09-29T01:21:00.000-07:00

Oh I've probably told a lot of you about my Rabbit story....yeah, they look cute dont they...this one is getting a bath...he's standing up cuz he's looking for an open shot to get to my jugular.....but really tho they're the most foul, viscous, and ferrocious beast you'll ever set eyes on! With big pointy teeth! And they make the worst pet. Its like having a dog with all the fun of cleaning up the crap and not having to deal with the personality, lovingness, and loyalty! Plus they eat walls. Yeah I gave all of them to a hippy lady. I hope she makes a coat.

2004-09-29T01:17:00.001-07:00

My girl friend is a cow chick.

2004-09-29T01:17:00.000-07:00

My friends Teddy (and his girlfriend Katie) and Gilbert at a bbq that I had at my place in the BIG MV. It rained the whole day so we played video games and drank beer.

2004-09-29T01:15:00.000-07:00

A night crossing on the Edmonds/Kingston Ferry again. Im looking south towards downtown Seattle....you can see the lights.

2004-09-29T01:13:00.000-07:00

Wow man, look at the layers of clouds in this shot. Its beautiful crazy.

2004-09-29T01:12:00.000-07:00

Yeah, even tho the Mariners frickin' suck...well Ichrio is good, but the rest of the lot of 'em suck. Anyway, besides the sucking, I made it to a Mariners game this summer. It was a fun time. It was my friend Camerons birthday.

2004-09-29T01:09:00.001-07:00

My girlfriend like cider! And I do to. You know cider is considered a manly drink in France...

2004-09-29T01:09:00.000-07:00

Sunset in Edmonds after a trip over to see the house my parents are building in Poulsbo

2004-09-29T01:06:00.000-07:00

This is the reason why scenic beach is named as it is.....its scenic...and the beach is behind the bushes. Washington is gorgeous in the summer time.

2004-09-29T01:04:00.000-07:00

Here's me and Leah at her families bbq at Scenic Beach....man, it was scenic, I'll post another pic...you know it sorta looks like we have this crazy arm scarf around both of us....(pretend that my arm around leah is attached to her arm around me and it sorta freaks you out......ok, im on crack. Im going to bed.)

2004-09-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

Picture of Leah on a Edmonds/Kingston Ferry Crossing

2004-09-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

This is me chillin at a 4th of July party. I am warming up my cell phone for the drunk dialing I would end up doing later.

The Start of my Blog Experience

2004-09-27T16:17:00.000-07:00

Hey, whats goin on everyone. I figgered since I was reading up on all my friends on their blogs, I would do them a favor and make a weblog myself (assuming that they care....and if they dont they're asses). So whats going on in my life right now? Well Im moving. For the past 6 months I've been working at a rope manufacturer called Samson Rope Technologies as a Project Engineer. The position was actually pretty cool. They were planning on having me become the main engineer for the recreational marine side of the company, which is pretty exciting. If I would have stayed, I would have probably gotten to see/ride a few america's cup boats and possibly see some other really cool boats. See thats exciting to me cuz im into that kinda stuff. I can understand if it aint your thing. Anyway, I had to leave the job cuz a) I had to drive 40 miles to work everyday b) my girlfriend Leah had to drive 65 miles to work everyday c) they were paying me internship money and c) because I drove 80 miles total a day and leah drove 130 miles a day, that left a total of -150 miles of sex drive for when we both got home. Needless to say, something had to change and I dont think getting another girlfriend or road head was an option. So anyway! I now have a new job in Everett, which is 20 minutes north of Downtown Seattle, with a company called Boeing. So I will be designing frames for the new 7e7. Thats right I'll be designing airframes for planes that carry innocent people, so you do not have to have a fear of flying for a couple of years. Once that 7e7 comes of the line tho...man, I'd take a train if I were you. Come to think of it, the name of my boss is Bharat Kapapia, so me being hired may actually be an act of terrorism plotted by some crazy Islamic group....but seriously, I've only talked to him once so far on the phone and he seems to be a very cool guy. Anyways, Im moving to Lynwood, 164th st exit right off the freeway. Ok, so I think i've written enough....Take care