Advice

Just a word of advice:

Never ask a friend to shave your back, even if you're gay because, like, that's just a little too gay.

That is all.

James

Been Too Long Post

Whoa, its been way too long since I've put something on here. Some things have changed since my last post. Like that book I was talkin' about? Not happenin'. I just cant think of 10 things that I would want to make my girlfriend do.....actually, I'm just WAY too focused on doin' two chicks at once and its really putting a literary block on any other potential ideas I have to put on that list. And since I really have no frickin' clue how to make my girlfriend like chicks, that means I really don’t have a book.

The NEWEST idea I have is to write a book called "From Frat to Fat.” I can totally knock this motha out. I know SO much about this, I could probably write two books about it. On top of that, its SO FREAKIN' General, I could write about your mom and I could some how tie it into the book....and I will, she'll have a special chapter.

I went to the florida Keys, holy shit that was awesome. I'll give you the basic run down: Hanging out with guys 5 years younger than me, drinking beer, relaxin' in the sun in a 2 million dollar mansion for the week. It was awesome. I have to say the hi-lite of the trip was going to South beach. As soon as I walked on the beach I thought I had bombed a gaza strip market and these were my 70 spankin' hot vigins to bone for eternity.....but turns out they were just a bunch of topless south beach models thongin' it up. I gotta say tho, if this is what the bombers get, sign me up.

When ever I golf, this is going to be my happy place on those tough putts.

You may be jealous, but just so you dont get too envious, I'll even it out and mention that I saw way too many guys in Assless Pants down in Key West. Lets leave it at that. GUYS IN ASSLESS PANTS overload. Oh and I’m pretty sure they were gay too.

And in closing I just have to brag a bit about how clever my other cat is. The non-ball grabbing one. I've always thought that she was borderline retarded and I have good reason to think that, but that’s another story. So today I come home and instead of the usual run away thing she does, she's this effectionate ball of love and is rubbin' up on my legs and shoes. I was totally blown away! The cat had never shown affection like that and for some unknown reason, things had changed. She keeps it up most of the night and I finally decide to pick her up and discover what was really going on. The affection was really an effort to ass me as many times as she possibly could before I figgered out she had shit all over herself. Frickin' brilliant Cat. Gotta hand it to her. If I was a cat and had shit all over myself, I would totally do the same thing to my owner. In fact, she did a frickin' great job of shitting all over her self too. She really got it in there and in these out of reach places...well I guess out of reach speakin in human anus terms, but I guess these cats must have these anuses that can aim or something….vector propulsion anuses……I cant figure it out, I’ll just have to contact my vet and get a brochure or something. But anyways, she got me good and deserves a little bit more of my respect. She totally got me.

10 things you wish your Girl would do and how to make them do it

To some how justify my existance and bring meaning into my life I have decided that I will be TRYING or ATTEMPTING to write a book. The title of this post pretty much sums up what the book will be about........wow, that was really fun, but now I am bored with that idea.....I have recently decided that my main goal in life is breed my dog and cat, creating...Cog. Yes Cog. Cog will be your lazy best friend who ignores you.....and who, judging from my previous experiences, will sometimes try to grab your balls when brushing your teeth too hard. Yes, I do set my goals high and almost unattainable, but I feel with hard work and alot of doobie brownies and alcohol......ha, just kiddin, back to the book idea.

So, naturally the book is going to have 10 chapters, but im not sure what each chapter will be about. I know that the 9th and 10th chapters will be combined and the first page will read:

Chapter 9 & 10

10 things you wish your girl would do and how to make them do it:

You and another hot chick.

I was half tempted to say " Screw the other eight!" and just call this book How to Nail 'em Two Atta Time, but.....damn, thats a great idea. In hind site, I should have called this book How to Nail 'em Two Atta Time, but not realising this until I had written the previous 8 chapters, I'll stick with the original name. This will just be the most important part of the book. Book mark it guys.

Ok, I just threw that together, but that'll be pretty much how that part reads. And really, if I knew how to nail'em two at a time, I would have written more, but I really have to do more research on that one. Anyways, now I need to start brain storming on 8 things guys wished their girls would do and how to make them do it......any ideas? Here, I'll put them down.

- Make dinner

- Magically disappear and reappear when you snap your fingers

- Stop Talking (with out black eyes!)

- Enjoy your hobbies

- Increase their breast size

- Stop with the list of chores

- Buy you things

- Kill for you! (yeah Bill)

Ok, thats just a start. Im sure with the help of others, I will come down with a good list to focus my efforts on. A'ight, thats all I got. Freak on people!

Been a while (repost)

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Yeah its been a while. My excuses:

a. its too damn nice out to be writing blogs
b. ....
c. ....

You dont need much more reason than that. FYI my cat is licking his own ass as I write this....I really haven't been busy with anything tho.....but anyway, lets add to this collection of shit and naked chicks we call the internet.....and today I will be adding shit. Sorry, no naked chicks.The only thing in my life that has been eventful and worthy of your attention are the bad things that have convieniently found there way to me... And if you're from the back roads of Kentucky like someone I used to know, you'd know bad things come in threes.Bad thing number one: Some one bashed my car window in and stole some CDs and my cell phone.Bad thing number two: While cleaning up all the glass in my car today, I decided to remove the seats and set them in the grass. In the process of setting a seat down, I leaned my hand into a pile of dog shit.....I said, "Fucking Shit!" and then had to laugh even tho I didn't want to....I hate that.Bad thing number three hasn't happened yet, but I know its out there. So i'll be on the look out.....and rumor has it that the third is usually the worst.........at least my penis cant get any smaller.....ha you thought I would get thru a post with out saying penis.....

Todays excitement

Have you ever hurt yourself and the act of hurting yourself was so retarded that you didn't want to tell anyone? I had one of those experiences today....although Im gonna tell you about it....

So today I was planning on playing soccer with a bunch of interns. Im sorta lookin fwd to it....I really dont play soccer.....BUT an intern invited me to play the other day and I felt obliged to go..........very similar to me feeling obliged to look up obliged and make sure Im spelling it right.....ok, o-b-l-i-g-e-d....fuck yeah....anyway, I felt OBLIGED to go, so I was planning on attending. Im not really sure if you know what I do, but Im a structural design engineer (the act of employing me as such may be an act of terrorism...we'll see what happens) and I spend all day in front of a screen designing/drawing up repairs for damaged 747s. So today I was doin' my thing, clickin' the mouse, looking at the screen, shifting in my seat a little bit to the beat of my IPOD......then outta no where comes this pain from my groin. I pulled a fucking groin! Drafting! I have to be the biggest pussy in the world.......

You know this reminds me of the time I hurt my neck while answering a phone at work (dont ask my how, its another one of those wtf moments). I decided to go to the Boeing nurse and see if they could hook me up with a pain killer and before I knew it, I was set up with massage sessions and physical therapy sessions 3 days a week.......I know what it feels like to be a starting pitcher on the mariners now I guess.

Just thought you folks would like to see Mountain Dew's OTHER ad campaign....I guess the target audience here are gay mountain bikers with handle bar mustaches and tight shorts. REALLY extreme ultimate power....this was found in Canada, by the way. "Ooohhhh" you say.  

Why is the penis so funny?

I was wondering today, thinking of my past posts, why is the penis so funny?....

No one EVER says, "HA! That looks like an knee!" or uses inanimate objects, like pancake mix, to make the shape of a fore arm. I doubt anyone would really care if you were eating pancakes in the shape of a forearm....BUT, when someone mentions "penis," even when they're being serious, there will probably be at LEAST one person holding back a snicker.

Could it be possible that the wang is the source of all humor? You know, I've heard so much about this funny bone, but I've NEVER gotten a serious answer as to where it is...makes me think no one has told me where it is because everyone is too ambarassed to say, "Yeah....um, medically speaking, the funny bone is the wang...."

Actually, that would be hilarious if someone said that, which sort of proves my point....that humor is directly related to the penis....although whipping out your member at a party still isn't funny......

I guess the most meaningful and useful bit of wisdom we can take out of this train of thought is some insite as to why so many hot women women say "I want a man who has a good sense of humor" but the for the most part, date assholes who aren't even remotely close to being funny, BUT I bet they have big dicks.....

Thats all I got.

J

Discovery!

So today I was thinkin' about REALLY fat chicks in way too tight pants. Dont aks me why. Penis. Anyway, I have an answer to a question Im sure all of us have asked ourselves,

"Why do REALLY fat chicks wear pants so tight, that they have rolls hangin' out all over the place? Its wrong James."

Well, I dont know if you've noticed, but girl pants are always low riding hip huggers nowdays. HIP huggers! Don't you see it!?!?! A hip is a bone! For all you engineers out there, these HIP huggers are an interference fit! They NEED those hip bones to keep things up! Those pants have to battle through 10 inches of gut 'n rolls and they damn well be 3 sizes two small if they're going to make it! Its like D-day for Levis and this battle is going on around you ever day. If it wasn't for those fat chicks wearing REALLY tight pants that showed off those rolls, we'd have a lot more bare ass in our lives......

THANK YOU really, really over weight fats chicks......

---Real American Heros!---

THANK YOU for wearing tight pants.....

---Tight waste banded fat chicks!---

THANK YOU for preventing out breaks of crack, small chances of physical injury, and forest fires.......


James